aim with norris

loorin 10:56

speaking of

fallout boy totally broke up

im gonna push for the reforming of racetraitor

hahahaha

what the jesus fuck

i hate when couples have to hold hands and take up the whole fucking sidewalk.

i hate when slow people walk in the middle of the sidewalk, making attempts to pass awkward and often in vain.

i hate when people yell at me for having a halti on my dogs nose, yet dont bat an eyelash when a dog is in a prong collar. im sorry, im not hurting my dog, and he can still open his mouth and bite you if he wanted...

i hate when people go out of their way to make extra noise when doing things, like stacking dishes.. what the hell kitchen staff at elses?

i hate that im just going to sit here and continue drinking until my laptop battery runs out because elses has free wifi and my apartment still has none.

Happy 65, Rod.

nom nom nom

Yesterday, Trevor James turned 26 and 12 of us went out for dinner at Amelio's.

http://ameliospizza.com/

Holy crap, it was delicious. I found it bizarre there was no caesar salad, and there were cherries on the hawaiian pizza... But the chef's salad you get with any pizza order, rivaled any caesar I have ever had. Veganism might have to be on hold for a minute longer, so I can have the White, 5 cheese pizza one last time. I wish I had leftovers.

tv i never got to see...

tattoozzz

One of my co-workers was lovely enough to redo our shop's website.

http://www.tattoowest.com

check it out, then come get tattooed so I can update this thing less often.

nostalgic soy

So I ordered some noodles at work today, and it came with:

Now, for whatever reason.. I have NEVER seen soy sauce come like this.. or had I? I was instantly reminded of a video I saw many, many years ago:

Although, as I recall.. the stupid cat originally hung himself instead of just standing in a corner.

currently obsessed with (xo ziz)

http://www.taaz.com is a terribly amazing waste of time. Create an account (username, email and password) and you are able to upload photos and make your face over. Everything from your hair colour/cut, to your eye colour, lip plumping, level of gloss, type of shadow etc. etc. etc.

Here's me and my friend Jovanka as our true, tranny hooker selves:





I also would make an excellent negro:



I also HiGHLY recommend visiting http://www.getgrossedout.com. Again, you upload a picture of yourself and are able to give yourself a makeover that is just swell.



I am not responsible for the time lost to these websites.

UPDATE: my mom thought I seriously wanted to try the 2 makeovers I posted as myself, and said the dreads looked painful and were not a good idea....

montreal fiend club

In April of 2009, a little bundle of joy was bestowed upon me that went nameless for many days and weeks, until finally one morning in the shower it came to me. "Floyd Frankenweenie". The bane of my existence and the absolute new love of my life, Floyd and I went upon some crazy adventures in the summer of 2009. There was zombie and ghost hunting within the rockies, psychotic breaks in hotel rooms far from home, personal realizations of the young and old during 300+ kilometers of canoeing (not to mention the challenge Floyd gave to himself of each day attempting to eat a foreign object that was more disgusting than the day before), making new friends you know you're not sure to say good bye to anytime soon, and closing the door on others I would hope to hear were hit by a large moving vehicle, mangling them to the point where an open casket wasn't even conceivable. But I digress...

All of this ended up leading to a decision to return to Canada for a period of time. September 1 brought with it the time to find a new apartment, and $1600 for 250 square feet was just ceasing to make sense to me, especially with the latest edition to my family. Not to mention the fact being a legal tax paying citizen of a country would bring some stability to my growing family. Oh that and it's fucking dirt cheap here.

Yes I miss New York, like an annoying yeast infection that is hard to part with, and many frequent trips will be made before what I believe will ultimately be, my triumphant return to the city. But in the meantime, I present you with a blog of many of the happenings in my Montreal life, and what I imagine to be, a bunch of posts sprung from my unemployed, boredom suffering ass.

oh toronto.

!!
7th+ A !!!
joe strummer !!!

Lauren Wilson
2:58
you know it

ALAN YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO THE SHOW AT 751
2:58
sigh
i guess

Lauren Wilson
2:58
i work at 7th and B

ALAN YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO THE SHOW AT 751
2:58
if it was a mural of justin pearson

Lauren Wilson
2:58
haha
HAHAHA
shut up

ALAN YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO THE SHOW AT 751
2:59
in front of like

Lauren Wilson
2:59
HAHAHA

ALAN YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO THE SHOW AT 751
2:59
juice for life
youd be all

Lauren Wilson
2:59
HAHAHAHAHAHA

ALAN YOU ARE DRIVING ME TO THE SHOW AT 751
2:59
'ahhhhh'



http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2749030

overheardinnewyork.com

so overheardinnewyork.com is pretty amusing. i imagine its probably funnier if youve spent any sort of time here and know where some of these quotes were over heard.. but nonetheless its provided hours of entertainment.

heres a couple choice ones from this week:

White girl: ... And then he took my camera and held it for me during the rest of the ceremony. He's so sweet...
Indian friend: Okay, seriously? That's not romantic, that's pockets!
White girl: I guess he--
Indian friend, interrupting: --We're so messed up. We think it's romantic when people give up their seats for us on the subway. I mean, anything Disney did to give us unrealistic expectations New York kicked right out of us.

--F train

Black dude #1, eating ice cream: My priorities in life is my family... Ummm... Food... And, ummm... Pussy.
Black dude #2: Yeah, I love pussy!
Black dude #1: I know, man. Me, too. I'm addicted to it.
Black dude #2: I wish it tasted more like Häagen-Dazs.
Black dude #1: Word!

--Astor Pl

Chick #1 looking at life-like dildo that actually cums: I wonder what it cums.
Chick #2: If it were me, I would put in vanilla milkshake.
Chick #1: Oh my god! How amazing would it be if guys came vanilla milkshakes?! I would be on my knees all day long!
Chick #2: Yeah, totally... What a cruel joke that most of them taste like steamrolled, year-old sushi.

--the pink pussycat

Columbia student volunteer: So, who knows what soy milk is?
Fourth grade girls: [Silence.]
Columbia student volunteer: Well, soy milk tastes like milk, but it's made with beans.
Fourth grader: Hold the phone -- beans has titties?

--P.S. 125

Overheard by: alexandra

Seven-year-old girl: It would be fun to be a firefighter, or a policeman, or a princess...
Mom: Mmm-hm.
Seven-year-old girl: You know what else it would be fun to be? The devil.
Mom: Oh, dear...

--40th & 7th

Overheard by: That Girl

Black teen girl #1, about screaming baby at other end of car: Yo, someone needs to tell that baby to hush up.
Black teen girl #2: Damn, I know, right? Yo, baby, shut the fuck up!

--Coney Island-bound D train

NYU girl: So, how did your date go with Hank?
NYU girl #2: You know how most girls, when they meet a guy they really like, start thinking about marriage, a picket fence, and having two kids? Well, when I meet a guy I like, I think about how we'll start dating, he'll cheat on me, and we'll break up. Then I'll have wasted two years of my life.

--NYU Library

that was more than id intended to post but.. shits funny, yo. and if youre female check out gofugyourself.com or you know. if youre a gay male. you may not appreciate the perfection that it is otherwise.

other things that rule about nyc..

PiNKBERRY!!!! i am so hopping on that bandwagon.

shitty facial hair

so anyone that reads this thing that knows me at all... knows i have a thing for shitty facial hair. i fucking love mustaches. why? i dont know. probably because i am a sick pervert. not that that comes as a surprise to anyone either.

anyway, in recent days i have come across a few fabulous mustaches, gracing the faces of celebrities that my wet dreams are already comprised of.

so i have decided to post said staches. why? because its my fucking blog and doing so is going to make me happy and giddy for the rest of the day. and yes, i am just that easily amused.

i will start off with orlando bloom. its his birthday today. recently he was quoted as saying "I don't do a film unless it has a sword in it. And if it doesn't have a sword in it, I insist that they have one in the same room to keep me comfortable." uhm. hello? how fucking hot is that.. he has also said "I am a hopeless romantic and I love to spoil my girlfriends."

@##$$*^

listen buddy, i have no idea what exactly youre wishing for for your 31st birthday.. but believe me, if i have an orifice that can provide it.. its all yours.



so its not his birthday but its fucking johnny depp... this might have been where my love of staches all started, to be honest. i mean this dude can do whatever the hell he wants and it looks good. he could be ride a donkey naked while wearing a party hat and i would probably develop a sick obsession for dudes in party hats. or donkeys.. i am sort of hoping its for the hats though..

What up, best shit ever..

New York is weird.

I feel like that is stating the obvious, though.

Nowhere else on the planet does anyone seem to use the word bodega.. And if you don't use the word bodega here and say something like.. convenience store, nobody seems to know what the hell you're talking about.

I also see signs in restaurants saying "Picture menus are available, please ask". Now what, prey tell, is a picture menu? Well for those of you who don't know, picture menus have been created for people who are unable to read, so they feature pictures of items like whoppers, mcnuggets.. etc. etc.

Does anyone else see the irony in having to be able to read a sign that says we have picture menus, in order to ask for one, or to know that they are available? Anyone? Yeah. I don't get it.

So King from Gorgoroth emailed my boss the other day to say he liked his stuff. I wasn't ever going to ever name drop on this but, I was far too excited not to share it with the 1 person who actually reads this thing. My boss on the other hand, seemed unmoved.

So it's only been like a month..

..way to drop the ball, Lauren.

My neighbours just got way more gaytarded. And yes, spell check.. there IS a u in NEIGHBOURS. Anyway, Saturday night.. well I guess officially it was Sunday morning, at 5 am my next door neighbours rolled in, blitzed outta their minds on coke. I awoke to the sound of them on the other side of my wall, crushing up blow and telling terrible jokes about peanuts. When the noise had escalated by about 6 am, my friend Ari went and knocked on their door to ask them to keep it down. They basically laughed in his face, told him they didn't have to because he didn't live here and "fuck them" because "they have a stupid little dog that just barks all day long".

Double-ewe tee eff?

So after much grumbling and freaking out, and preventing myself from going next door and bashing their stupid little coked up faces in, after eye socket fucking them with a hair brush handle.. I have planned a new tactical, psychological assault that I believe I will begin next weekend. Basically it is going to involve me finding some Kathy Griffin stand up comedy online and blasting it at 7:30 AM, with my speakers facing the wall. If that doesn't work I am moving on to Gilbert Godfree.

@$#^$!

you know, for as long as i can remember, i have hated red pants. who the hell lied and told you they looked good, ronald mcdonald? seriously. i cant think of a better way to bring attention to your bulging ass and short, stumpy legs than to wear red pants. also, i am relatively convinced they dont make red pants longer than with a 30" inseam, so anyone wearing them just looks like they cant afford pants that actually fit them properly. i promise you, you will never find a pair of red pants that actually looks good.

unless of course, youre eddie murphy in delirious.

did i mention my boss sleeps on a casket?

i think i am going to start smoking opium on a pseudo regular basis. just so when my roommates' friends come over, they can ask, "hey, what is that thing?" to which they will be responded, "oh, that's just lauren's opium pipe".

morrissey.

so a few days ago.. well i guess it was weeks ago nowm i rule at keeping this thing updated.. morrissey played a week of shows at madison square gardens. which luckily for me, is about 3 blocks from where i work.

i had sort of forgotten about this, prior to arriving at penn station, but i was instantly reminded as i approached the platform, and saw it flooded with confused metrosexuals, longing desperately to be gay, and pretty hipster girls with unkempt hair, flanel shirts and high heels.

now why on earth someone would dress up in heels to go see a concert at the gardens is way beyond me. it's not as though steven patrick is going to take you backstage and fuck you while unbuttoning his pink shirt.. and all the dudes standing 12 feet from the stage are just aching to get a glimpse of his cock, hoping it will put to rest their sexual confusion.

so chicks are dressing up for chicks, i figure. which is interesting and not really some sort of big revelation.

i suppose i could go one with this, but i'm not entirely sure what the point would be. i could blah blah blah about how i hate the idea of competition between the ladies, but i don't wonder if me pointing my finger and saying, "ha ha ha! i've figured you all out!" wouldm't leave me feeling as though i'm at least being partly hypocritical.

plus, i may end up feeling guilty about my ridiculous shoe collection.. because obviously it's only other females that are fully going to appreciate the wonderment that is a pair of cute teal, plaid heels.

ahem.

3:23 am

me: "what's that noise?"
adam: "that's the sound of someone getting fucked, lauren."


so i have taken to sleeping on my floor as of late. i just moved into a new room in the loft thats slightly larger (although really i have no idea why, i don't exactly have anything to put in a small room, let alone a less small room). so i was planning on painting the floor of my loft space, where my bed is supposed to go.. but i guess i've yet to get around to it, these past 3 days.

so my mattress is on the floor, sheets and pillows and all. and it actually suits me quite well, the room being as large as it is.. it hardly seems out of place. plus you know, i don't have to worry about falling off the edge of the loft and breaking my neck. a huge bonus. although probably not a genuine concern. heh.

anyway, being on the floor has led me to be privy to hearing some interesting conversations and sexual endeavors taking place in 202 below me. as if i didn't have enough reasons to hate them before. now i just pity whoever it is getting fucked, because hearing whatever the hell was going on last night, was probably one of the most pathetic attempts at pleasuring both oneself, and someone else i could have ever bared auditory witness to. and believe me i should know. i really can't deny having had some terrible sex before.

i guess i will forgo painting my loft any time soon and just throw my mattress up in my loft when i get home tonight. i can't bare the thought of waking up shuddering again, muttering "oh the horror" again and again.

3:15 am

dear 202,

i guess you didnt get the myspace bulletin, but maynard, mike patton, thom york and eddie vedder all think you suck so give it up.

thnx,
loorin

thursday night, i was driven to the point of emptying a weeks worth of litter box contents infront of 202s door. i was momentarily fooled into thinking the "band" had abandoned their nightly 1 am "practicing". rather, those 1 am practices have apparently subsided and given way to 3 am terrible renditions of such hits as 46 and 2, jeremy, whatever the first song off ok computer was and anything off of mr. bungle's california.

polite knocking, the landlord, the cops, cat poo and bitchy [albeit somewhat witty] notes have all failed miserably in trying to bring this nonsense to an end, and im not entirely sure what my next move will be. ive already subscribed their apartment to as many free gay porn subscriptions as possible, but ive yet to see the magazines start rolling in...

i guess i could order twelveteen pizzas to their apartment, but that just seems juvenile. plus who wants to waste perfectly good pizza...

l.

an open letter to my neighbours.

to whom it may concern,

i understand that hipsters often have little else to do than spend their trust funds, however that does not mean you shouldnt be privy to the following information:

having figured out how to plug a synth into an amp does not qualify you as a musician. nor does it mean you should exercise your lack of ability at 1:30 am on a thursday.

daft punk has an amazing catalog of music you may want to further familiarize yourself with.. because no one needs to listen to harder, better, faster, stronger 9 times [at last count] in one day.. oh. and i was gone all afternoon.

listening to air is/was never cool, unless its as the sound track to a sofia coppola movie.

singing aloud to umbrella-eh-eh-eh should only be done whilst in a locked car thats been abandoned on the tracks, and with a plastic bag over your head so no one can see or hear what you are doing. pray that the g train is for once running on time.

please remember every time you refer to the DOs section for fashion advice, the majority of contributors to vice were never cool enough in school, started doing coke, passed around a bunch of stds, then wrote a magazine about it. but they all still find football in the groin hilarious.

are you actually playing it for the tenth time today? no, REALLY?

having an oh so foreign british accent does not automatically secure your place in the ranks of cool-dom. i mean, even chloe sevigny employs the use of a hair brush.

and finally, it is infact okay to leave the apartment and find a job. believe me, we would all applaud you for abdicating your attempts at becoming the next karen o, if only for 1 night.

regards,
lauren.